Not What We Expected

I usually love the last day of the year - it's enjoyable to look back and reflect on what's happened over the last 365 days and anticipate what the New Year might bring.  But this year is different for me.  My heart is heavy and weighed down by still not knowing about our kids.

This past week there have been rumors going around about Ethiopia closing adoptions.  Although after a couple of days and clarification, it seems like that's not the case for the immediate future, it still brings such uncertainty to the entire process.  As you can imagine, hearing things like this is devastating - waiting all this time to grow our family through adoption only to find out that it could possibly be over at any minute.  It was an extremely unsettling, nerve wracking, anxiety-filled few days.  (And I thought waiting for a referral was difficult.  Waiting to find out if a referral might even happen is 50 times worse.)

Additionally, as I've said before, we never dreamed it would take this long.  It's been a painful journey of trying to be patient and wait for God's timing, when we've felt ready for 1 1/2 years now.  Originally, we hoped to be home with our kids by now or packing for our second trip to bring them home.  Being at the end of 2013 and still waiting was not what we anticipated. 

We do have a lot to be thankful for . . . and I'm not forgetting all those things.  I am truly grateful for a multitude of God's blessings in our lives.   I just feel like my heart is so overwhelmingly weary and aching to know our children.

Please continue to pray for all those children who need families and for us as we continue to wait for ours.  

A New Take on Garland

I wanted to share a wonderful idea we found on Pinterest. . . at least I think it was Pinterest.  I remember mentioning it to our kids sometime in November as an idea and then totally forgot about it.  However, after the first of December, KJ remembered, got out some paper and began making our first prayer garland.

In previous years, we've made a paper garland and taken off a piece each day to count down to Christmas.  With this new twist, you simply write a person or family's name on each ring.   So when you take a paper ring off each day of December, you're counting down to Christmas and praying specifically for someone else.  It's been an awesome way to pray for our family, friends, missionaries, and sponsored kids.

Our future family members, prayed for daily, but still included on our garland, "The littles":

December Adoption Update

"Any updates?"
"What's the latest?"
"Any new news?"

These are the questions I am most often asked these days.  As the wait continues, I'm asked almost daily if we have anything positive to share.  Unfortunately, the answer continues to be 'no'.  (Thank you for continuing to ask, though!)

I had a birthday wish in September.  (It didn't come true.)  I had a Halloween wish in October.  (Again, nothing.)  So the month of Thanksgiving has come and gone . . . another wish past and unfulfilled.  So. . . I think it is obvious that I am hoping, praying and sincerely wishing for only one special gift this Christmas. :)

As the months go on, the wait continues to become harder.  I think I've said before - if only I had an end date, I could handle it much better.  But living in this unknown time continuum is traumatizing to my emotions.   Back in May, I was thrilled when we got into the top ten on the wait list. . . however, I never dreamed we would be in the top ten for over seven months.  As you can imagine, thinking we may be 'close' for months and months with nothing happening is a frustrating experience.   I want to be hopeful and excited that it will happen, but it's challenging to feel optimistic when the end is indefinite.

I still believe God has a plan and HIS timing is perfect.    I just truly don't understand it at this moment and am ready to see His timing fulfilled.  :)

If you'd like to pray:  Please pray specifically for paperwork!!  There are so many children waiting in the orphanages for a forever family, but the paperwork process slows it all down.  Please pray that the  right paperwork gets processed ASAP for the children God has for our family.

Also, please pray for our kids.  We don't know how old they are or where they are exactly,  but please pray for their well-being, health and that they are loved and comforted in the orphanage.

Finally, we would love for you to pray for peace for us.  As I said above, this process is not for the faint of heart and we long for God's peace as we continue to wait.

In other news, my sweet husband surprised me with an anniversary vacation to celebrate 15 years of marriage!   Anticipating a vacation will definitely help distract me from the waiting and I'm looking forward to some time for just the two of us.

Here's a random quick photo of a cozy morning of math at our house.  (She's wrapped in her favorite fleece blanket in case you're wondering what on earth she's wearing. :)  )  I'm always thankful for our mornings together.

In The Waiting

We are now number 3 on our waiting list.  Yahooo for moving up one spot!!!  At this point, to be honest though, the list doesn't matter to me anymore.  We have been on it longer than I had anticipated  and I am now just anxiously awaiting the phone call that will change our lives forever!

We pray everyday for our new family members and people ask me daily if there is any new 'news'.  There is no news but I will tell you what. . . God has been teaching me MANY lessons throughout this process and our family has seriously been blessed by others:  Friends have given me cards of encouragement, texts, emails and Facebook posts that they are praying for us.  One of my besties put together a prayer calendar for October where she recruited a handful of our local friends to pray for us every day in October.  (So I had a calendar that listed who was praying for us each and every day..... is that not amazing!?)  Friends and family members have sent me Scripture, quotes and devotionals with uplifting words.  Over time, our hearts and the hearts of our family and friends have grown tender towards these children we still don't know.

The most recent (blessing) came earlier this week from our aunt (technically Ryan's aunt but she's been my aunt now for 15 years too :) ).  It's from the online devotional "Shereadstruth".  (Please click here to read the entire post - it's encouraging, especially if you are in a season of waiting).

"The waiting isn't the hardest part, it's the growing part.  And the Gardener can't be rushed in this season.  He won't be rushed in this season. . . While we are waiting, we are changing - He's changing us in the waiting."

Everything within me screams, "I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE!!"  I'm tired of waiting.  My heart and mind are weary from waiting.   It's difficult to anticipate something so huge and life changing that doesn't have an end date.  Every day goes by and we yearn to learn about these little people who will be grafted into our family. . . our future children.

However, I know God has a greater plan.  I for sure don't understand all of it, but I believe and trust Him that He knows what He's doing.  This waiting has forced me to lean into Him in new ways and depend on him in my moments of weakness.  It has been a messy journey - just ask all of my friends and family who have been so patient with me as I fail regularly. . . sometimes daily, at trusting in His plan.

I want to know.
I don't want to wait.
I complain.
I cry out, "When?!"

Thankfully, even through my consistent human failings and weakness, I'm astounded by His love, patience and gentle teaching and leading me - guiding me in new ways to depend on Him and trust Him in all things.  As I seek Him more, His presence and love for me has become more tangible.  

I'm not saying I want to continue to wait (a phone call would be super awesome, any day :) ) but I have realized that if we hadn't journeyed through these months of waiting, I would not have experienced all the blessings of encouragement, support and love from so many people.

For this, I am so grateful.

"Come near to God and he will come near to you."  James 4:8

October Update (halfway through the month)

So, it's October. . . and we are still number #4.

I haven't felt motivated to update this blog because I'm a little bummed that we seem to be at a standstill.    It's partly our own fault since we are waiting for two children, but there have also been a variety of delays in Ethiopia.

Some days are more difficult than others, not knowing what the future holds.  Thankfully we are surrounded by an amazing group of caring friends and family and I've also connected with many adoptive moms in the process.  Having someone to talk to who is going through this and understands the emotions involved has been extremely therapeutic.

Hoping to post some good news soon.  :)

September Update

It's September!  This is my favorite month of the year for many reasons.  I love the change in the weather, the back to school excitement (even though we home school now, it's still exciting and I enjoy a fresh start of learning with my kids), it's my birthday month and it ushers in the holiday season, which I also adore.

We have begun a soft start into our school year.  Classical Conversations, our co-op and backbone of learning for us, began today.  Easing into school (the last couple of weeks) with just several subjects has been an amazing way to start.  There have been numerous moments throughout the last few days where I sit in gratitude for homeschooling:  eating leisurely breakfasts together, walking or running with my kids in the bright sunshine, my daughter spontaneously making my bed for me while I was getting ready for the morning, watching the kids review math from last year and remember the concepts (yahoo!), seeing them practice their cursive diligently..... there are so many moments that bring a smile to my face.  (I'm guessing this is why so many teachers love to teach - the joy of seeing their students learn.... and I get to experience that joy with my own kids!!)

(forgive the quality of these photos - all on my phone)

As the summer comes to a close, I've been reflecting on what an incredible three months we had together:  lots of pool and beach time, cottage visits (thanks to both sets of parents :) ), bike rides, hours and hours at the library and reading, ice cream, fort building, roller-blading, meals with family and friends, Michigan's Adventure, just to name a few.  Here's some random photos of fun/craziness.

Crazy Dress-up night

Cousins :)

Celebrating Christmas in August

I think the highlight of the summer of 2013 will for sure be the neighborhood golf course (a 9 and 18 hole course within 4-5 neighboring homes, developed by the dads.  THE hit of the summer.  I kid you not - my son has probably 'golfed' this course no less than 50 times).  Here are a few photos of adults playing (I looked through my photos and am shocked I haven't photographed all the boys in our neighborhood playing yet).

There are colored flags (the holes), each family has their own color golf balls (we are blue) and scorecards have even been created.

It's bananas.

In other news:

We are now #4 on our adoption wait list.  Right at the top!  We could really get a referral any day or still in two more months.  It's all so unpredictable, we have no clue.... so I've decided to act like it will still be several more months and that keeps me from going absolutely crazy wondering and waiting.  OK, who am I kidding... some days are more crazy in my mind than others... but I'm actually feeling at peace about it these days and am so thankful for that.

Thanking God each day for His many blessings!!

August Update and First Tri

We are number 5 on our adoption wait list!  We are hoping for some news either this month or in September, but as we've learned, nothing is predictable so we are continuing to wait, wait, and wait some more.

No fancy adoption wait list number display today because I have other fun photos to share: our daughter competing in her first triathlon!!  Her dad has done several and also participated in his age group early this morning.  For her age, it was a 200 meter swim, a 2 mile bike ride and a 1 mile run.  We were so proud of her (and she seemed to have fun doing it)!!!

Getting everything ready in the transition area

Checking out the course

First arms she jumped into

Congrats and hugs from family

A friend who came along to cheer

July Update

Happy July!!

Summer is in full swing and we are loving every minute of it!!  We've been swimming, learning to double dutch jump rope, making our own hula hoops (and attempting hula hoop tricks), going for walks, roller-blading, building forts, reading, bike riding, geo-caching, playing games, grilling....oh, how I love summer!!  I feel enormously lucky to be able to soak in these relaxing, summer days with our kids, learning and playing together - what a blessing!

Another blessing for this month is that we have moved up on our wait list!!  We are now:

When we got the update yesterday, I said to Ryan, "Hmm...this is actually starting to feel real!"

It's been 11 months of waiting on the list and 16 months since our hearts said "YES" to adoption.  We are excited to continue to move forward!

Simple Amharic

I decided to order a book and CD called Simple Amharic Language for Adoptive Families by Amy Kendall.  It contains hundreds of helpful phrases and words to learn such as "This is your brother", "snack" and "Let's get dressed".

Eager to learn the language of their new (future) siblings, my kids ripped open the package, played the CD and flipped through the book.   What is the natural, first thing that my little darlings chose to memorize?  It's pronounced, LIB-seh lie ah-tish-NAH.

Translated:

"Please don't go potty in your pants."

Hilarious.

(at least it was to a 9 and 11 year old)  :)

June Update (a little late)

As we have moved forward into the heat of summer, our number on the waiting list has stayed the same.  It's a double edged sword, I've learned, as you get near the top: on the positive side, we are in single digits in the top 10.  Since we began at #27 eleven months ago, we have made some progress and #8 feels encouraging.  On the downside though, a month (or a few) can go by with no movement and people waiting for just one child can get referred AFTER us....while we stay at the same number.  (Because we are waiting for two children, our wait has been longer than others.)

I had a friend from church last week, baby son in her arms, stop me to ask if I would photograph her son.  As we were chatting, she said she remembered when she and her husband first announced she was pregnant, Ryan and I also announced we were adopting.

And there she stood, cuddling her adorable, 7 MONTH OLD baby.

And there I stood.  

No little one in my arms.  

No toddler tugging on my dress or crawling around my feet.

She was very empathetic as she talked with me about the difficulty of waiting so long for something.  The reason it is so difficult is because its such an unknown time frame.  Our agency does its best to give us estimates of how long the process takes, but not having an actual end date has been tough.

There is no due date.  

There is no inducing two weeks-later plan either.

It's totally unknown.  

Ever since we began praying about adopting, our hearts have grown to love these family members we don't yet know.  As we prepare our older two for the changes, we discuss and imagine what life will be like everyday with 'the littles'.  Who will take them in the hall if they are crying during church?  Where will they sit at the dinner table?  Who will sit next to whom in the car?  We basically think about them being with us and anticipate their arrival into our family every day.  

Every. Single. Day.

So as you can imagine, praying, dreaming, and longing for these little people and not knowing when they are coming is difficult!!

So as I wait for the God's perfect timing, I am brought to my knees for several requests:

- that God works in my heart to wait patiently and with a grateful heart.  It's easy to feel discouraged, focusing on what we don't yet know.  I want to keep my mind on all of the blessings - they are numerous!!

- that He has a hand of comfort on our little ones.  My heart already breaks for the pain and loss they are experiencing.

- that God gives our family of four precious moments together before we become a family of six

Thanks for listening and thank you even more for praying for our family!

And Then She Was Nine

It's beyond hard for me to believe that my little girl turns nine today.  She has been an amazing bundle of love and fun for our family.  It seems like just yesterday she was sitting in the grass, blowing spit bubbles at me. :)

I don't know if it's having a big brother or what, but she's always had a special affinity for super heroes.

She has her own style.  Don't tell her what to wear.  Don't show her how to wear it.  She will come up with her own way of wearing whatever she chooses.

This manifests itself in what she can do as well.... independent, she usually wants to do things herself.

Occasionally, she allows someone to help her.

She is a laugh-er.  She absolutely loves to laugh and make people laugh.  As I went through all of my pictures of her (hundreds and hundreds), it was hard to choose because there are so many of her with a blissfully happy, smiling face.

She holds a fierce LOVE for her daddy. . . she adores him.  

She's always had a deep, contemplative side to her. . . 

. . .with moments of crazy, sprinkled in.  

As I've watched her grow into her beautiful, nine year old self, I've been blessed to be her mom and I'm so lucky that she's my daughter - one of God's greatest blessings, for sure.  

  She enjoys caring for and playing with little ones, loves her friends and has a knack for remembering details in any situation. As I see her heart of compassion for others blossom, I'm excited to see what her future holds.  I pray as she continues to grow, her heart continues to seek to know our Father and that she will be a blessing to others as much as she has been a blessing to me!  

 Happy Birthday Sweet KJ!!  We love you!!